Rewiring my mind; Current lessons in growth.

This year has been a roller coaster for me already. I actually entered this year without clear cut directions and goals really. I just knew that towards the end of last year that I get telling myself that I wasn’t ready for the year to end yet. I know many people talk so much about goals and resolutions but I just had one thing in mind.

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Let me get through with January first. Well, this January, my dad came back from the states and I had to be with him. So somehow, I knew that my January was already a sacrifice even before it came. That made me to not even have any plans cos I would definitely be living with his schedules and itenerary.

Well, somewhere I said that after January that I was going to take out some time to rest and then plan my life for the year. The January was also supposed to be a time for a major milestone decision in the relationship I was into. I was hoping to have a heart talk about the relationship I was into with the person involved to know the palms and way forward for the year.

Well, everything fell aside for me. I spent my January with dad and his programs and towards the end, he left back for the states and then Just at the same moment, the relationship I was hoping to get a bearing went south. So I literally went from being lost to lost. I was directionless and heart broken.

I came back toward the end of January heartbroken and with no single strength to start the year. I spent the whole of February trying to pick up my life pieces from where it was shattered. And in this midst of all these chaos and emotional brouhaha, I knew I had some unlearning and learning to do.

Things I am learning / unlearning

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I am learning to be kind and not too hard on myself. Sometimes things fall apart not because of us but the other party. At a time I took stats of what went wrong and I can pinpoint one or two places where I may not have been perfect but I know I tried my best. Instead of beating me up, I had to let me breath a little. Love myself a little more. Be kind to myself.

I notice that I am busy saving the world and being kind to everyone else but hard on myself. I had to breathe. The scriptures said to love others as myself. I haven’t given me so much love but this period, I am learning to love myself and be kind to me.

I am learning to change my confession. I’ve come to understand that the power of life and death is in the tongue. I am learning to speak words of life and grace to myself. I am learning to confess what I want to see and not what is happening to me. I am learning to speak God’s word over my life at all situations and I am unlearning the use of negative words.

I have a bad habit that I may not be free to name here but I am working on it bit by bit to reduce its hold. It’s a source of limitation and may not let me achieve so much hence it has to go. I am learning to let go of things easily. To let go of grudge and above all learn to love and give unconditionally.

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The experience I had broke me and believe me I cried but not like someone without hope. I am learning to embrace the new me and love myself and love myself. Cherish myself and protect myself from abuse. I am learning to be strong and not be an object of pity. I am learning to seek God’s direction and mercy for this season. I am learning to pick up my life one day at a time. I am learning to breathe.

I can’t say I have my goals all written out. Till now, I don’t but I am learning to live one day at a time. My heart is mended and won’t stop loving and being nice. I am learning to not let people’s meanness and wickedness change me from being the good woman that I am for no one who loves genuinely loses.

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