Toxic ties : #241

If my life was a Netflix movies series, I would title it the “toxic ties”. I don’t know if I know how I feel writing this but I feel it’s a way of burdening even though I feel better today than yesterday. Yesterday morning and this morning I made a heart felt prayer to God. I pleaded with him to please bring good men my way. People who are not self absorbed and toxic. It was a prayer I made from my heart cos I am weary of toxic ties.

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Just yesterday, I had to pour out my heart to someone I could confide in. He is a friend and a senior colleague and I really needed someone to talk to. At least I have known him for over 15 years. Before I even started the talked with him, I was already close to tears. He was like I shouldn’t cry but I couldn’t seem to help it.

I asked him to please tell me if there was anything bad about me that attracts toxic people to me because he has known me for years. Somehow, I have just found out that over the years, I have had more toxic relationships than I Could imagine. I don’t know where I am getting it wrong but it’s just seem too obvious when people come around me, they find out that I am a good person and they tend to hurt me and take advantage of my good heart.

I have had more people doing that to me while I go all out and try to sacrifice and help them the much I can but somehow they always pay me back with evil. My early teenage years, I had this guy I was dating. His family knows me that he wanted to marry me but that would be after his schooling. I was yet to gain admission and everything changed when he went to school.

I joined him later in the same school only to find out that he was sleeping with so many girls at the same time. And he treated me very badly. He would give all manner of excuses and not even really care. I was dying in silence until I couldn’t hold it anymore. We grew apart and he later got one of the girls pregnant and was forced to marry her.

During my youth service days, I met this guy in a hospital where I was taking care of my sick sister and also helped to care for him because his care taker was a small boy and wasn’t able to really take care of him well. That was how we got close and started dating after he recovered and we all left the hospital. He was cute and way taller than me. Along the line, I noticed he was always talking about how tall his ex was and how he likes tall girls.

He had a financial set back and I even gave him my one month salary those days to set up a little business back home. He was always depressed and I kept encouraging and praying for him. He never really cared much and I made excuses for him that it was because of his present state. On his birthday I went all the way over and bought him things and even sent him some money to celebrate his birthday. We were together and all the expenses was on me. Few months later it was my birthday and this young man didn’t even as much as remember talk more of reaching out. He didn’t we remember that his girlfriend had a birthdate.

And we have been having issues here and there because of his incessant nagging and complaining. He never even got to apologize for his lack of care. It was at their point I knew it was time to let go. After giving my all, I got nothing at the end. The. Came another toxic one that was even worse than all of them. Very controlling and toxic. I had to literally run away from his house cos I was having suicidal thoughts from all the evil I passed through in his hands. After him came another toxic one I just had to let him go last year. This is exactly one year to the last relationship.

This particular one told be one time that I am a good woman and he doesn’t know why he’s being mean to me. That I don’t deserve his meanness. Just so you would know what I was dealing with incase someone is thinking that I could be the reason for the toxicity. He still didn’t change but only grew worse. I loved him so much despite all the red flags and was willing to wait until he changes. It took one this same friend I was talking to make me see that I was enduring a toxicity from someone that doesn’t have plans of changing. I had to walk away and he never of fought for the relationship. I had to let go, it’s painful loving people that don’t love you back with the same energy.

I was tired of having all these terrible experiences with these men that I had to resort to prayers. Right now, I have no man in my life and I am focused on loving myself and taking care of me cos I can’t handle another round of toxicity. I have had enough to last me a life time. I don’t know why people love to take advantage of good women and treat them badly. I have not lost faith. I know there are still good men out there and I am going to get one. I won’t be bad or change my good heart because of how others treated me but so far so good, if my life was to be a Netflix movie, it would be a tale of toxic ties.

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