I'm trapped
I'm trapped.
I'm stuck in a dimension of gray apathy. Why? I don't know.
Or maybe I do know, but I'm always afraid to say it. Because this block is my fault, but it's also the fault of circumstances. And when I'm in this state, I always find it very difficult to break free. These circumstances seem unshakeable and unchangeable to me, and I feel powerless. I am unable to change them, I can only wait for them to change on their own. And when they change to a more favorable situation, then I will be able to break free and move on.
Yeah, right...
Then there's the part that concerns my own fault. I'm stuck because I allow myself to feel bad, to reduce myself to this condition. Because I'm lazy. Because I let myself be overwhelmed. It's my fault because I have total responsibility for managing my own being and getting out of this state of apathy. If only I had enough willpower to get moving and start again, I would solve the problem.
Yeah, right...
And so the excuses keep coming. The two sides feed off each other: I think I have the strength to get back on my feet, but these unfavorable circumstances make me feel bad, so what's the point?
Then one day the circumstances will become favorable again, but I know myself. I'm too lazy and careless to make the effort to get back on track. And I'll get angry with myself:
"You're a stupid jerk. You always make excuses and then complain that you don't have time to do what you wanted to do. Even though you know it will make you feel good, that you'll be satisfied when the job is done."
I get so angry. With myself. The angrier I get, the more depressed I become and slip into this downward spiral of self-pity where everything loses meaning.
I get angry because I know how to solve it. I get angry because even though I know, I can't find the strength to act. I get angry thinking about the time I'm wasting.
But is this time really wasted?
I wonder how much this condition is due to the hyper-productive times we are living in, or if it's just a result of my own nature. After all, it had been a long time since I had relaxed a little by playing video games. I have to compose, I have to produce new music. Because my music is my life. But what happens when you don't feel like living? I don't even hear the music anymore. Maybe taking a break from the production process and playing for a few days is what I need to calm down, reset my brain, and start again with a fresh mind when the time is right. Too bad I'm not composing new music for more than two months right now...
Should an artist always make music to define themselves, or can they also stop for a moment without being any less of an artist? We live in a strange world: I should only make music when I feel like it, because if I make it because I HAVE TO, it probably won't be good music, right?
But at the same time, if I don't make music all the time, I disappear and am forgotten, right? How can I live in a world where both of these statements are true at the same time?
And that's where the anxiety comes from. The anxiety that while I'm playing games, it reminds me that I should be producing. The anxiety that while I'm producing, it tells me, “Take a break every now and then, nothing bad will happen!”
And just like so, I always feel bad.
I'm trapped. Where are the keys?
Penso sia uno stato d'animo che accomuna molte persone che lavorano in campo artistico, sia musicale che altri ambiti. Quello che descrivi mi ricorda moltissimo le sensazione che talvolta provo pure io, ma che con l'età ho imparato (quasi) ad accettare. Credi sia un po' ingenerato dalla tipologia di lavoro, che ti mette sempre a confronto con te stesso, con le tue aspettative, con le aspettative degli altri e che, comunque vada, è un lavoro h24, che nel bene e nel male lascia poco spazio a momenti diversi. L'essere arrabbiati con se stessi, sentire di non fare abbastanza, vedere tutto con un filtro negativo e vorresti solo dormire. Quando succede a me cerco di forzarmi a posare i pennelli e fare qualcosa di diverso, così, senza scopo che non sia quello di far deviare il pensiero. A volte funziona. Un abbraccio grande! ^_^
Già, il mio problema è l'attrito iniziale che incontro quando mi voglio rimettere all'opera. Mi sono staccato dalla composizione musicale per più di due mesi ma purtroppo questo non ha davvero significato "staccare" perché la mia mente è sempre occupata da pensieri che riguardano il mio futuro da musicista. E riprende il ritmo quotidiano di composizione per me è molto faticoso
88 of them can be found on a traditional grand piano. I know this is not the sort of key which you are searching for, or the key in which a song is written. But, if you find them, there's a start, and then with the progressions, there's a way out from one key to the next. Now that I have expressed all of my knowledge of the structure of music, I can refer to some of the other points in your post.
You are not forgotten. In fact, people still listen to old, obscure music that probably hasn't had a whole bunch of plays.
I still listen to a band that opened for another band I was interested in and saw. That brand has broken up, but I tracked down some of the members on instagram to see what they were up to. They're still making music. They would not have forgotten about that time, that band that transient moment in their careers.
I didn't tell them that I remembered them, but I listened to their song and I remembered them. You won't know them, but now you can remember this story.
I think that there are a few different schools of music making - there are those who do it to define themselves. I'm a musician, I'm an artist, I'm a writer, I'm an arsehole, or whatever they are. Then there are those who create whatever they create and they become defined.
There is of course, the theory that creatives cannot create unless they are miserable. That works for some, but I think I have been at my most proliic when I have been happy, even if I am writing about / photographing / conceptualising miserable, dark, macabre subjects.
Hapiness isn't a cure, it is merely a state of mind.
When I'm sad I generally write good lyrics very easily. But to open up Cubase and start composing I require a good mood, because I need to think, find solutions, craft sounds and so on.
I'm more prolific when I have peace of mind. So I feel like I have to find that before going back to work
Everyone has his or her time. When you want to move as fast as others seem to be moving, you might only just get yourself hurt. Take the break you need and stop feeling sorry about it. Music as you've said is life, not just to you, to everyone that loves it too. So when you create something when you are better, people will find it regardless.
Try to rest a lot, stay hydrated, go for a walk and do some of your other favorite activities that makes you happy.
Sorry to hear you feel that way. It is very brave of you to share your feelings like this but I know that there are others in the same situation that probably feel less alone when knowing others feel like this.
I hope you can find your 'mojo' again soon. I tend to find that I spend too much time just looking at stuff online and not enough actually doing things. What can inspire me is finding a good drum lesson to play along with. I saw my teacher last night where I played through some Tool (a simplified version) and ZZ Top. That was fun even if I am not likely to perform those for anyone else right now. I want to expand my skills so I can play with anyone.
Rock on!
I'm easy anyway because I know it's just a matter of time to get back on track. It could happen sooner than I think
That’s a really bad place to be in. Nothing will ever seem to be enough. Just focus on becoming better at what you do every time you do it.
!PIMP
@hopestylist here!
This is sooo well put! And I'm sorry that you're trapped in this. I struggle with these exact 'demons'. Productivity and procrastination - the things I should be doing, and the things I end up doing. It really piles up and weights a ton.
In my case, as a visual artist, and I'm sure in your case too, as a musician, Social Media and the presence of AI adds to this feeling of simply not being able to keep up (even if you do get up and make something).
As someone who struggled with very paralyzing anxiety for years without finding the keys, I was able to break the cycle with the help of a psychologist. It has gotten so bad that self-talking and meditations simply were not doing it for me. If you can find a trusted, well rated professional to talk to, this can potentially help a lot.
The mind is both the most powerful and the weakest tool we have; and sometimes it needs a pro tune-up.
Also being out in nature really does help put it all in perspective. We get really lost in the expectations we strap ourselves in. Being in a room or constantly in front of a screen makes things worse. So when you have a chance, give yourself a day of just nature away from urban views, and bring with you your least fancy guitar.
Thanks for your words. You're right. And I know I can break the cycle. Sometimes I just don't want it enough and I feel that strange bittersweet emotion of being happy in my own misery, you know.
I know how to get out, I've already done that many times
Well, I'm a writer. I like to write when I feel like it, and stay silent when I don't -- coming to terms with this paradigm helps I think :)
the problem is here
"if I don't make music all the time, I disappear and am forgotten, right?"
what you ve created will never be forgotten...
its about the vibes and the message not the messenger and in this truth you only facing your ego.
our system and internet move at lightspeed and we cant follow anymore, the structure of our brain is changing.
ambition is a lie
and time and space do not define who you are as an eternal being.
see yourself as a unique code, unique vibration that just need to be present in the creation of all.
all your negative thoughts are mostly fog in a lonely forest you are crossing to reach the sunrise on the otherside.
we are receptor emetteur ( antennas ) ...contemplation is key.
I agree with you, for the spirit and soul this is all important.
But then there is the material world, where to get to a specific result you need to work and work and work and never give up. And work even when you don't want to, and force yourself through things
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