Being Brought Down (Short Story)

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(Edited)

I wanted to try and give my short story publications here a bit more of a writing look about them with the formatting and I figured it out, so from now on I'm going to get myself into the habit of writing like this.

This story spawned from a thought I had earlier today, and I wouldn't have written it as a story if I didn't also think about trying to make these publications look a bit more appealing with the format used.



Source


       "Yeah, but that's irrelevant," Daira responded, hoping that she might put an end to the conversation with one statement.
       These constant discussions had become a nuisance, and utterly pointless. For some reason, Sah'bana had made a habit of getting into, 'Deep chats' after a long night of partying; coming down was hard enough without being brought down by his holier-than-thou attitude.
       "Irrelevant? You think your future is irrelevant?" Sah'bana asked, in a flabbergasted tone, as if Daira was stupid for even uttering those words. "Long-term goals are so important." They continued, bewildered, and twitching slightly from his throne; otherwise known as a grimy old coach.
       Daira rolled her eyes, and if she had done so any harder they may well have popped out of their sockets to go on a little adventure along the floor.
       "I agree, we should be planning our future, and I have goals, and plans. I have thought about it, but, I don't feel like thinking about it now. Not now, not here, not when I'm trying to soothe my aching mind." Her head was throbbing and each word spoken sent the odd shooting pain through her brain; it was almost enough to make her lose conscious thought, or make a cohesive sentence.

       She closed her eyes to it all, allowing herself to recover from the streaks of discomfort. Through closed eyes she could see the shadow figures, who always seemed to find her after a night with barely any sleep. Lost in that realm for a moment, one of the figures was right in front of her, moving closer in mid-conversation, coming closer, and closer still, until she opened her eyes, afraid that a collision was imminent.
       There was no one there, as usual, just her, in a chair wrapped in a light blanket, Sah'bana was sitting opposite her on the couch, his dark wavey hair was thin and wild from the dried sweat, his eyes were mere slits, which would occasionally open wide as if in disbelief of whatever was happening in his mind. Beside him, on the opposite side of the couch was Banati who was wrapped in a blanket of their own, lightly snoring; their blocked nose occasionally squeaked and it made for some good repetitive white noise to get lost in.
       "See, that's the problem with this generation. Nobody thinks of their long-term goals, everyone wants it all and they want it now, and forget the future. Long-term to people now means six months or at most two years down the line. Not ten, or even twenty." Sah'bana had a way of making his arguments seem like undeniable facts. He jumped up and began a brisk pace. "Here you are now Daira, you're twenty-nine. You're on the wrong side or twenty without a plan, a goal, something you're working for." He continued; turning his sole attention to Daira.
       "Wait, what? Why are you saying all this? I have plans." Daira tried to defend herself against the relentless attack, but Sah'bana just shook his head.
       "Plans? Yeah? Tell me them?" He asked, sticking out a hand, offering the floor to her to get up and speak.
       Daira could only stare at him, and was about to stand up and present her case. Her mind went blank and she couldn't think of anything.

       "As I thought, nothing." Sah'bana said in a condescending tone. "I don't blame you, it isn't just you, it's everyone." He shook his head as if mourning the lost generation. "Let's face it, you're almost at the age where it's too late to plan. I'm afraid, you've wasted your life." He stopped pacing for a moment to stare at her. "I don't mean to offend you."
       "Well you bloody are offending me, what's with the character assassination?" Daira's blood was beginning to boil. "What makes you so special?" She asked through gritted teeth.
       "Hey, it's not a character assassination, I'm trying to help you. If you put aside a tenner a week, right now, you'll have one-hundred and seventy-five thousand waiting for you when you retire. Wouldn't you like that? But, you need to do it now." Sah'bana walked back to the couch and sat down. "Look, you're partying too much, that's the fact of the matter. I know, I know, it all seems like a great idea to blow everything you have, purchasing alcohol and narcotics, but sometimes, you have to stop thinking about pleasure, and focus more on your future."
      "What the hell are you talking about? You go wilder than I do, caining whatever you can get your hands on. Where are your plans? Great future, ideas, or goals? You're self-projecting right now. That's clear." Daira exploded, which caused a chain reaction of pain in her throbbing head.
       Sah'bana was taken aback, and their face dropped. He looked away, obviously thinking of everything Daira just said, with that, the room was silent.
       Daira turned on any old holo-vid, something that didn't take much thought to watch, and in general it was something easy going to relax to. The thought of Sah'bana walking the room and preaching was at this point a distant memory, and she had vague recollections of having the finger of disappointment waved in her direction.



Source


       "Okay, I know you're a bit emotional today." Sah'bana said, and Daira was unsure if he was talking or whether it was a figment of her imagination.
       She looked over, to see that he was rolling on the couch slightly, staring at the screen. "Did you just say something?" Daira asked.
       Sah'bana nodded. "Yeah, I was just saying, well, look. Maybe I'm not the pinnacle of success either, I'm only human, I get it. It's easier to point at someone else not doing so great in their life to make yours seem that little bit better. You know, people think in ways like, oh, I'm not doing so great, but at least I'm not doing as bad as whoever they want to point the finger at. We're all guilty of it." He looked over at Banati and gave a sideways nod. "Take him for example, he's probably way worse than both of us, and he doesn't mind. Floating through life on the coattails of his parents, eating away at the funds they left him until there's nothing left."
       Daira shook her head, Sah'bana was now blatantly lying, making up stories. "What are you talking about?"
       "Let me finish."
       "No, I won't let you finish. You're just making stuff up now."
       "I was using him as an example of the idea of that sort of person, it's an abstract thought." Sah'bana was looking flustered and frustrated by this stage.
       "Okay?"
       "My point is, we can help each other if we all just decide to save right now, and in the future, we'll be way better off."

       "I agree with you, it's something we should be considering and you're not wrong for thinking that way." Daira replied, hoping to settle this conversation once and for all.
       Sah'bana nodded happily and leaned forward. "Great, so, since I'm the most trustworthy of all of us, I think I should hold onto the saving, you know since I'm less likely to spend it impulsively."
       Daira started to laugh, laugh harder than she had in a while, without turning away she could only stare into Sah'bana's eyes and laugh, she continued until she was breathless and as she watched his face drop her laughs became sneers, and then became breathless laughs once more. He leaned back, bored of the sounds of laughter, and angrily focused on the screen, no doubt attempting to block it out. Finally, Daira stopped laughing long enough for Sah'bana to stare at her.
       "No. I'm not giving you any money, you can sort your own future out and I'll focus on mine, and mine alone."



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18 comments
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I get what you're saying about making it more "book format". I think the indent at the start of each paragraph works really well. But reading on screen is different to reading in a book, so what might be worth trying is to create some "section breaks" with a line break or image separating them.

It's less book format, but (at least for me !) makes it easier to follow on screen, creating a series of "way points" so that if I get distracted and lose where I was, I can pick up again from there rather than having to go back and start at the beginning. Hopefully that makes some kind of sense !

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(Edited)

It makes total sense, I get what you mean, I think the indent really works to give it a nicer look, but maybe seperate paragraphs would work along side it.

I was flicking through it on the phone and it's a bit harder to navigate without some breaks. I think over the next couple of publications I'll find a sweet spot that works.

I'd like to continue in this vein though, so I can form the habit and it may even make it easier with the edit of the novel. I'm 8 chapters in and only have 8 more to go, but it's just a content edit, after this is finished and I settle on it I'll do another run through for the formatting edit, which I'm hoping will be easy.

!LUV !PIZZA !LOLZ

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I reckon it's nearly there - perhaps a break of some kind every 8-10 paragraphs. That's about a screenful when I'm reading it on a PC.

It just occurred to me that most of the time if I lose track of where I am, it's when I hit the bottom of the screen and have to scroll up, and that 8-10 paragraphs is not just a screen on a PC, it's also about how much fits on a page in a traditional book (remember those, lol), where turning the page gives you a reset point.

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I have a vague recollection of some sort of old scrolls with words on it? Hahaha imagine feeling nostalgic about books.

That's a really good observation, I was thinking 5 or 6 paragraphs might do it, but no you're right 8-10 would be the sweet spot. I'll be sure to do a wee bit of experimenting with it for the next one!

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(Edited)

Hey, @alonicus are you on Discord? or Twitter? If so what's your handle, also, I went back to the edit and put those spaces in and I think it really helps the readability of the story, thanks for the advice.

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Hiya, I'm on Discord (as Alonicus there, as well), but I must admit I tend to only log in there about once a month. Someone should make a Hive equivalent which isn't monitored and moderated (and ideally isn't such a time-consuming business to navigate through all the massive numbers of sub-boards !)

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Yeah I hear you loud and clear there a Discord like Frontend would be good, although, I was surprised to see that PeakD has a direct messaging service in it, I don't use PeakD often, but because of that I do check it out more now.

KILLERWOT#6833, my picture is a guy with his back to the camera and sci-fi looking screens infront of him. Add me on there next time you're on.

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(Edited)

PIZZA!
The Hive.Pizza team manually curated this post.

$PIZZA slices delivered:
killerwot tipped alonicus

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I didn't expect that ending at all. I thought they had it all planned out. It's quite funny seeing as Daira kept laughing in his face. I guess he already knew she wouldn't be giving him any money. But I didn't peg Sah'bana as the type to run away with the savings after all that speech.

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Hahaha yeah I thought it was a funny way to end it, the way I saw Sah'bana was that he was full of good ideas, and made some good points. But, being an impulsive person, he wouldn't be the best person to be left in charge of a large sum of money.

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True and I guess Daira saw that as well, hence her boisterous laughter at his expense. Really lovely story @killerwot. I enjoyed it.

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I like format like that as for story, it's much more readable and easier to follow. How long does it usually take you to draft a story like this?

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Usually between 1-2 hours, I'm a really fast typer so can do about 1,000-1,400 words in an hour when I'm in the zone, maybe more even. Somedays it's tough, and I can only get out about 600 words an hour, maybe less.

Somedays I have no idea what to write, but just start and typically something good happens, other days I can sit down with an idea, write it, struggle, start to hate it, think of a different idea and leave the current thing for the new thing. I write way quicker when I find the idea interesting, as opposed to forcing something I'm not feeling.

This one took about 2 hours to write over 2 sessions and in the final session I edited it.

Thanks for saying so, I'm glad it has a bit more readability with the indent, I'll be doing this from now on as I think it looks a bit more proffesional, and I want my stories to look the way they would in a book or ebook.

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!LOL

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