Closing In (Short Story)

@grocko released a prompt this week asking us to write a piece of creative fiction which covers the theme of 'desperation' in the genre of 'horror'

If you're feeling creative and would like to get involved, you still have time to get something written and entered.

Here's A Link To The Post If You'd Like To Check Out The Rules.



Source


       The crumbling walls of a decaying mind were something to be feared, but Carlin embraced the ever-present changes to his psyche. Small changes at first, barely noticeable. Untrained in his thoughts, he would often wonder why he drifted in and out of consciousness.
       Where was I five minutes ago? He would often ask himself. Wandering from room to room, in his large empty home, would be his only regular exercise. Why did I come in here again? Carlin would ask. But, asking questions to the void wasn't the issue. The issues arose when he heard the void answer back.
       Small inaudible noises at first were the only replies. Sleep deprivation was the only excuse he could find. That was the only reasonable explanation.
       "You need help," the voice came in strong and drifted away slowly echoing as it disappeared. He was left once more in peace; the calmness of an empty mind was something he longed for.
       Sleep was the answer. Telling himself over and over that it was the only way to cure himself of this curse. In desperation, he tried to close his eyes to it all and fall into the other world. The one where nothing seemed right. Where it was beautifully irregular. Tossing and turning all night until the sun rose was the result. Where sleep failed, pills might succeed.

       "You don't want a doctor, they'll think you're crazy," the voice came through once more, echoing upon the final word, as if crazy was infinite, never-ending, and bending back around to the full statement.
       Ignoring it worked up until now and would have to continue to work for the time being.
       He prepared himself for the cold. Wrapping up in the thickest coat he could find and going one stage further and wore a scarf over his face, and a hat, so that all anyone would see of him were two beady eyes peering out from the large open space behind them.
       Walking the street was easy. The odd looks and glances he received were not. He wished to be invisible. To be approached by no one. Not until he could speak with the doctor and find a cure. Not until he could sleep fully and get rid of the black rings beneath his eyelids.

       "The Doctor will see you now." A woman's voice wafted into the waiting room and picked him up from his seat.
       Blurred daydreams and visions of what would be. Carlin could see the door, the room, the doctor in a chair staring patiently from their desk. The occasional nod let him know that every word he dropped on the doctor's ears was heard and understood. Occasionally a stutter would jump in the way of his speech and stop him in his tracks. The moment he took a pause from his explanation the voice would float back, distracting him.
       The doctor stood up, ending the stammering mess that had become him. "Don't worry, I know exactly what you need and am going to help you." He said. His glasses were lightly fogged, and there were slight trickles of sweat on his head that glowed from the lamp in the corner of the room.
       Watching patiently, and smiling as much as he could, Carlin tracked the Doctor as he took his leave. For the first time in the past few days, weeks, perhaps even years, he felt calm; at peace. He knew all would be well.
       "Do you know what's going to happen..." Carlin shook his head. "I do. I know what's going to happen..." Blocking his ears didn't stop the sound. "He'll be back,"
       "No," Carlin replied, as he wiped a small drop of drool from his lower lip.
       "He'll be back, and he'll have company." Again, the voice persisted. The room disappeared, all there was him and whoever this person was; the helpful soul that was doing all they could to warn him.

       "What will I do?" Carlin whispered, then he bit his nails as he looked around the empty place. Shimmers of light and shadows were his only company. As he caught a look at a figure it would blend into the eternal background of the space. "What will I do?" He mumbled.
       "Up, out," He heard two conflicting voices out of sync with one another. "Up, out," the started again. They began to chant until all he heard was those two words, in that order. "Up, out!"
       "Out where!?" Carlin shouted and it was the only thing that seemed to settle them down and stop the chorus.
       "Out, out, out," They began once more. The void he found himself in was illuminated by a blinding light. He turned to find the source, and the window stood proudly, open, with fluttering curtains. "Jump, hop, skip!" The voices said once more, and Carlin knew what he had to do.
       He slowly got to his feet. Marched toward the window. He gained speed as it grew nearer.
       "Out, jump," The chant began again, and he smiled as he saw the sun. The blinding white light seemed so warm. "Out, jump," the voices continued, but he had to stand for a moment longer and bask.
       "Stop! What are you doing!? Come away from the window!" He heard more voices joining the chorus, but they were so far away and completely out of key.
       "Out, jump," the chants reached their crescendo and all began to fade away. "Escape!" Upon hearing that final voice he leapt. Weightless, and lost to time.

       As Carlin reached the zenith of his arc, it all became clear. Anything he was confused by was gone. The ground grew nearer and as he reached the concrete, it opened up and swallowed him whole, wrapping him in a cold embrace.



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Bang, I did it again... I just rehived your post!
Week 178 of my contest just started...you can now check the winners of the previous week!
!BEER
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Congratulations @killerwot! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain And have been rewarded with New badge(s)

You received more than 5000 HP as payout for your posts, comments and curation.
Your next payout target is 6000 HP.
The unit is Hive Power equivalent because post and comment rewards can be split into HP and HBD

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If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word STOP

To support your work, I also upvoted your post!

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Wow, what a vivid and suspenseful story! I was glued from start to finish, wondering what or who the voices were. The way you delved into Carlin's struggle, revealing the stages of his deteriorating mind and his desperation to be normal up to the haunting end is compelling. Well done!

Would you like an in-depth/critical review of your story? Thanks so much for participating in the Scholar N Scribe Invitational. Good luck. 🙂 !PIZZA

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(Edited)

Hey Kemmy, thank you so much for you kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

I found it to be a pretty tough story to write, but I'm glad I managed to get it finished. I wrote a good portion of it and left it in my drafts for a few days, but I'm glad I went back to it so I could complete it.

I'm so happy to participate in the contest :) and yeah, of course. Don't hold back any punches either in the in-depth analysis, I really want to continue to hone my writing skills so any and all critism is welcome.

!PIMP

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My man @killerwot, you agreed and you received - in-depth review:

While you have gotten a lot better with your word choices, I still find you overwrite. As authors we are afraid that if we do not give all the necessary information that readers will be lost. But readers are smart. The brain is great at connecting lines. So when we elaborate, it's usually to the detrament of the pacing. Quick examples of this early on:

Wandering from room to room, in his large empty home, would be his only regular exercise.

Did we really need to know that Carlin's house was large? What does that visualization do for us? Remove that bit and see how much better the entire section flows.

Small inaudible noises at first were the only replies. Sleep deprivation was the only excuse he could find. That was the only reasonable explanation.

The last sentence is basically repeating the previous sentence. Adds nothing to the character, plot, setting, theme. It's just there. Removing it leaves us with the same exact story. So why have it? There are examples of this throughout the piece, so I won't harp on it. I just felt like I had to point it out.

Other than that you're nailing everything else. The pacing is great, the plotting and characterization. All top-notch. Your vocabulary is also inspiring. I love the words you use. Your last paragraph is especially well written.

Thank you for submitting to the S&S Invitational! I hope this review proved useful.

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You are a legend Grocko, I really appreciate your review and insights to my writing.

You're so right. I really have to work more on my self editing and learn to leave out irrelevent information. This is one major thing I seem to struggle with, but I just need to focus a lot more on it, especially for the sake of readability.

Hopefully I'll start seeing some major improvements in my stories moving forward.

!PIMP !LUV

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This is wonderfully twisted - brilliant ! I've only just spotted this prompt, I might have to give it a go, although it'll be a struggle to come up with something as suitably warped as this post 😁

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I'd love to read your entry to this story, could you tag me at the end if you write one?

Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I found it really tough to write, but I'm glad I managed to get it finished and entered to the competition.

!LUV

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