Sarcasm Saturday #52 - New Year... Same Crypto Volatility
Ladies and gentlemen, gather close and silence your mobile phones... unless you’re taking one last screenshot of your portfolio, in which case… carry on with the task!
Tonight, we proudly present a spectacle of soaring highs, crushing lows, and the bewildering human urge to document imaginary riches before they vanish.
The age of screenshot millionaires is not over... but at least 2026 has some different vibes! Bitcoin and friends are kicking off 2026 like they just downed a double espresso.
Strong gains are being “driven” by institutional interest and ETF inflows, which basically means the big money finally remembered crypto exists again. Will this be the year of institutional whales?
Now XRP decided to show off, surging thanks to new spot ETFs and capital flowing in! So here's Ripple hitting multi-year highs because someone, somewhere, clearly still believes in its magic.
USA spot Bitcoin ETFs have pulled in hundreds of millions in early January, proving that nothing says “fun start to the year” like watching institutional cash throw a party while retail investors nervously peek through the window.
Coinbase isn’t standing still either. Their 2026 priorities signal a push to merge crypto with traditional finance... like Wall Street with memes. Analysts and investors are feeling warm and fuzzy as regulatory clarity slowly arrive!
Until then... you could learn to do leverage trading! Steal a man's wallet and he will be poor for a week... teach a man to trade perps and he will be poor for the rest of his life!
We are so back but not everyone is totally convinced. Some analysts caution that Bitcoin is in a “middle ground” price zone early in the year... which is a polite way of saying it could go up... or down!
Beyond the headlines, deeper trends are shaping 2026... and we need to believe in somETHing! Crypto is finally being treated as a serious institutional asset, letting even the stodgiest fund managers nod sagely!
DeFi is staging a comeback, with TVL potentially topping $200 billion, giving everyone a little number flex to feel like a genius. But have you used Ethereum between 2020 and 2023? It costed you everything!
At least Noya is omnichain and the fees are low! Tha AI-driven DeFi platform that aims to act like an autopilot for crypto investing. Instead of users manually chasing yields across blockchains, Noya does the heavy lifting!
With the Noya Space Race you're actively climbing the ranks in the Noya Space! The campaign rewards users for participating in DeFi through the dApp and engaging in crypto discussions on Kaito!
Each week, your activity on both platforms earns you points, which are then converted into Stars every Monday. You start as a humble pilot and you grow through the ranks!
Took me a while, and the hustle reach max levels... but I finally reached my goal! Proud to flex my Level 8 Alien Explorer rank, which comes with merch eligibility! Send me a hoodie folks!
Privacy-friendly compliance solutions, perpetual DEXs, and evolving stablecoin infrastructure are the buzzwords du jour, because what’s crypto without a few acronym-filled press releases?
Meanwhile, Layer-1 networks, AI-integrated projects, and meme coins are still reminding us that speculation, chaos, and community hype remain very much alive in 2026.
So PVM is ready to keep on track with new year's resolutions! I said will swap all airdrops into USDC and park them on Blend for a steady stream of income! I hope no side quest will appear because I am easy to distract!
You should check Blend even if as a side quest ... it may make your blood pump! nstead of me spending hours every week bridging, swapping, staking, and micromanaging positions… my idle balances now automatically work for me.
One click and immortality is achieved. For a brief but glorious moment they feel unstoppable. Their wallet looks like it could buy a small island or at least a really good burrito.
They’re capturing the moment like wildlife photographers spotting a rare creature. When their portfolio glows green... they move fast! Then hell breaks lose and 69% of the portfolio is gone!
You will witness daring traders who refuse to take profit, preferring instead to immortalize their fleeting wealth with a tap of the thumb and a picture that will make them cry forever.
You will see triumph, despair, emotional monologues delivered to candlestick charts, and the tragic poetry of opening your camera roll after a market crash. Same as my pods from Beans Finance!
I took part in a poker tournament with thousands of people and ended top 20, so got a 33k PODS as a reward! At maturity they were supposed to turn into 33K $BEANS... which was a stablecoin!
Before that happened... they suffered an exploit, lost the TVL and made some adjustments for recovery. My PODS are still in line, with 597 million ahead before maturity!
I could sell them for peanuts, but no one buys them. The only option is to leave them in the queue and maybe my children's children will see them turn into money! Generational wealth indeed!
Do you think prediction markets are considered gambling? I've seen mixed opinions! Here you know exactly what you can win or lose, and everything settles automatically once the event is decided.
What's your take? Unlike traditional derivatives with leverage, margin calls, and the joy of getting liquidated at 3 AM ... Limitless keeps things clean and defined-risk!
The protocol hasn’t been moving quietly either! It’s already processed hundreds of millions in trading volume, pulled in tens of thousands of users... and made me a cool 2025 review!
Yours truly PVM is in the top 1% of the Limitless users by volume, and 2% by streak! I played a bit and got burned ... with a win rate that sucks eggs at only 31% ... and going down!
Residual Income:
Claim your Zerion XP!
Mindshare: Kaito / Cookie / Wallchain / Mindo
Play2Earn: Splinterlands & Holozing
I played you with a spellbookless account today. I noticed that you are missing a lot of stuff in Frontier. I'm further than you on my main account. I haven't quite got all my stuff maxed out but I'm getting there. I've given you some of the things I have already maxed out. It's mostly garbage but as I max out the better stuff I will give that to you too.
I never opened the chests from Frontier for ages! Thank you for the gifts