RE: Money & Time

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I enjoyed reading your comments. It helps me. It's like free therapy. We don't have such things here. I believe you are one of the few people that understands me. Maybe because we have similar experiences or because of your wonderful and sweet nature. I'm grateful for these words.

My mom was very sick before she died. We don't have free health care in this part of the world. And I did told her to give me some time to make enough to really help her. She is all i have(I hate using past tense). I'm still in denial anyway.

So it's really painful and I am going to deal with that all my life. Concerning the movie i recommended, the main character was slow to help his mom with time as she timed out few seconds before he got there.
When i watched it, i hoped it wouldn't happen to me. But, yeah it did!

I would definitely check the book, thanks for your recommendation.

How are you coping?

Living in denial seems to work for now. I don't know how long. I just act like she's somewhere around me. I hardened my heart to any thought of her demise.

For hive, I can't seem to be productive. It's difficult to write a long post now. It's harder to comment on the post of others. These simple things are really difficult. I hope i get myself together before i lose the little support i am getting. I really need Hive. I'm off/on for now. Hopefully I'd gather strength.

I hope you understand my words. I tend to make alot of mistakes when i type too quickly from my head.

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I think your words are very clear. It is good that you are trying to get some work done, but if you are less productive than usual, well, that is normal. Sometimes, I think people come and go here on Hive, and it is okay. What I mean is that, if you are normally consistent, if the consistency is not there for a while, that is okay I think. What do you think?

It is very sad that you feel that more time/money might have saved your mother. You might be right, and it is still a very sad way to frame it.

It's coincidental that you mentioned denial because my post today (which I have not yet posted) discusses denial. However, you triggered my memory. In my post, I discuss how to exit the denial state when we are not sure we are in denial and when it is unhealthy to be in denial.

However, I remember many years ago going to the psychologist. You are correct that we tend to go to therapy here. I have most of the training of a therapist myself in fact, but that is a long story. Anyhow, I said to her, "I think I am in denial," and she said, "Sometimes, denial can be a wonderful thing." I never thought about it like that before. People always urge us not to be in denial. However, she was right, sometimes, denial is an important way that we help ourselves. We protect our sanity by denying reality a little.

Sometimes, that is a very kind thing to do for yourself. Also, then, you can choose to spend some time each day grieving, but spend other time in "denial" as you put it.

I also found it hard to speak of my mother in the past tense. I still often say I love her, not I loved her.

Sometimes, it helps me to consider what reality is. I mean, I do believe in objective reality, but also, I can close my eyes and think of my mother and her words and I can imagine her using my five senses. I can talk to her. I can write to her. She is still real. Everything she ever said to me and everything we ever did together is still real because it all still exists inside me. As long as it does, a part of her will always walk beside me.

!LUV

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