“From Broken to Becoming: My Escape Story”(#280)

Everyday, I asked myself what was it I was doing wrong. I never seemed to do anything right. There was always something to complain about. There was always a loop hole to see wrong and find faults. My motives were always misunderstood.

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I had to explain and explain myself at almost every situation. And despite all the explanations, I was never seem to be understood. I was told of how rebellious I was. Of how unyielding I had become. I always walked on egg shells. I never had the freedom to express myself without the fear of being misunderstood or labeled wrongly.

I couldn’t get angry and point fingers on things I felt weren’t right. Somehow the table would always be turned around and at the end of the day I would be blamed for things I didn’t do. I was never enough.

I was always trying to prove myself. I was always trying to be accepted. At the end of the day. I got a mouth full of demeaning words. I was diminishing by the day. I was loosing myself day by day. I lost myself esteem. I forgot that I was beautiful. I was waiting for validation that would never come.

It was so bad that one day I got complimented by someone that I was beautiful and I felt like I had won a lottery. I had forgotten that I was beautiful because of all the demeaning words that I was always told.

My mistakes were magnified to the heavens and mole hills were made mountains. I was totally lost and in bondage. There seem to be no way out. I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through because of the status of the person involved.

I was in bondage both physically, emotionally and psychologically. I became suicidal. I would be taking by bath in the bathroom and be having flashes of me committing suicide by hanging myself with a rope on the ceiling.

It was at this point I knew that I had to find a way out. On a good day when no one was around, I packed my belongings and ran for my dear life. I left battered and broken. But that was the beginning of a new identity.

It took years to rebuild what was damaged. At a point I felt it would have been better if I was beaten maybe. Than to endure the type of psychological, mental and emotional abuse I went through. I don’t even wish that for my enemy.

No one deserves to face any form of abuse whether physically, emotionally or psychological. Abuse affects every part of us and makes us loose our essence. I handled this abuse by learning to stand for myself. I choose me. I choose to stop seeking for validation from someone else but to love myself.

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